REUNITED!

Kennedy (left) and Kamryn (right) reunited. "Hey sis, I missed you!"

Kennedy & Kamryn 20 days old (I don't know how we are ever going to be able to tell these two apart).

Today was a day of very mixed emotions. It was a hard day but a happy day!I got to the NICU and nurse Kristi had my girls today. She is my favorite NICU nurse. I like her because she is very experienced and REALLY knows my girls well but she is also laid back and let's me take the lead with the girl's "cares". Cares are what they call the interaction with the girls every three hours (feeding, changing diapers and checking temperatures). I did Kennedy's cares, kangarood her, went to pump and then got busy with Kamryn's cares. I settled in the chair and was kangarooing Kai when nurse Kristi says "Mom I have a surprise for you". She opened up the curtain and had little Kennedy in her hands. I was so excited to have them "meet" again outside of the womb. That song "REUNITED" by Peaches n Herb was playing in my head lol! Kennedy sniffed around a little and tried to check out her sister. She reached out for her a couple of times. Kamryn peacefully slept through the whole event lol! It's just like old times...in the womb Kennedy had all the room and was a wild woman while her sister found a cozy place as low as she could get in my tummy and relaxed trying not to be kicked and punched by her sister lol! I can't describe it but something just felt so right about holding them both together...it's like it all sank in and I felt complete. I got to kangaroo them both for about 10 minutes and nurse Kristi took lots of pics. Since both girls are still on oxygen we couldn't keep Kennedy off to long. When we got her back on all the monitors the nurse commented that she tolerated being off very well. Woohoo! Hopefully its not long until they are co-bedded. We can't wait!

The day was extra emotional for me because today is the day I was SUPPOSED to deliver. Today the girls are 32 weeks. Instead of being 20 days old the girls were supposed to just be making their debut to the world. I can't help but think about the "what ifs" and wonder what their NICU journey would be like if I had been able to hold them in 20 more days. Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed we are to have them here but I can't help but feel a little guilt about not carrying them longer. When I started having those contractions 3 days before I delivered I felt like the worst mom in the world, like my body was rejecting my own babies. I knew the doctors were doing all they could to keep them in but I also knew that the contractions were not going to stop. I remember crying so hard about all that my little ones were about to go through in the NICU. When we delivered and I got to see the chords with my own eyes (and the doctors told us we only had about another 12-24 hours left before losing one or both) I knew that in a way my body was telling me and the medical team that we needed to get the babies out so part of me is thankful for those contractions to. My head knows I did all I could for them...now it's just convincing my heart. I have to remember that hormones have a lot to do with my feelings and emotions and that in time these feelings will fade, especially once my girls are home. It feels good to get these feelings out to. I thank God everyday for a husband who is willing to listen to me go on and on no matter how many times I need to talk/cry about it and for family and friends who are so amazingly supportive. I just learned from my medical social worker that most momo moms experience varying levels of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of such a traumatic pregnancy and NICU experience and all the stress involved. Mine seems to be very mild compared to most and I really do seem to be feeling better every day. Prayer works!

Lots of you have asked why NICU life is like so I thought I would write about it. I debated whether I should sugar-coat it but I won't. NICU life sucks! let me start off my saying I thank God everyday that there is such a thing as a NICU and the technology to save these babies because my girls couldn't survive without all the intervention they are getting...with that being said the NICU makes me sad. I walk in and I see the other parents with the same worried but hopeful looks on their face. We smile at each other in the halls and the pods but I can tell we are all just as scared. There is always at least one mom crying and my heart just aches for them because I can relate to what they are going through. Luckily we have an AMAZING staff that encourage us to be hands on. They never make us feel bad if we can't make it out one day and are always encouraging us to take care of ourselves while they are taking care of our girls. They seem to genuinely enjoy taking care of the girls and are always positive.

Well I should go...Kai is ready to make brownies. Thanks for listening. More later.