My love/hate relationship with the PUMP

The PUMP

Warning: All of the men who follow my blog feel free to skip this entry lol! I could just imagine the looks on my father/brother in laws faces now lol!

You know I thought the day I had to return the HOSPITAL-GRADE BREAST PUMP to lactaion services I would be doing a happy dance. Instead I feel sad. I have a true love/hate relationship with the pump. I love that there was a machine that helped me to give my daughters breastmilk because they were to weak and get to stressed trying to breastfeed on their own. However, I hate the time that it took to get this milk. Pumping 15-20 minutes 8 times a day for 13 LONG WEEKS was so hard. Every minute of it I had to remind myself of why I was doing it. I had so many struggles with supply even though I did everything my lactation consultant told me to do...power pumping, mother's milk tea, getting up 3 times a might to pump, drinking gallons of water, etc. It's just not fair! Breastfeeding is so natural you would think it would come easy. As I watched my supply go down to 6oz a day no matter what I tried I finally came to the realization that it was time to a full transition to formula. Afterall the most important thing is that my girls eat, thrive and grow. I have such mixed emotions about it. My heart knows I tried my best but my head can't help but feel like I let my girls down a little bit not being able to provide enough to feed them.

Kai woke up today and said, "Mom, where did the pump go?". I told her that I had to pack it up and give it back because it was due and another mommy needs it. She got a sad look on her face and says, "But mom, how are we going to feed the babies?". This certainly did not help my already feeling sad lol! I explained that we will be feeding the babies formula. Poor thing, she looked at me like I was crazy when I told her the powder turned in to milk.

I went to see my LC for the last time today to turn in the pump. Out of the blue the tears just started flowing. She was so awesome. Instead of focusing on what I couldn't do she kept telling me how great it was that I was able to pump for over 3 months. She has truly been a blessing to me through all of this and she has been a constant cheerleader. I expected her to try to get me to pump a little longer, instead she talked about all the other ways I would bond with the girls and told me all about the benefits of the formula we are using. She assured me the girls would be just fine. I know this is true. I was unable to breastfeed Kai and she is one of the most bright 3 year olds I have ever seen (of course I am a little biased).

So, that is the story of my love/hate relationship with the pump. Please pray for a smooth transition to formula for the girls. Luckily I still have enough frozen breastmilk to last at least another week before we are fully on formula.